Chapter 28 – November 29, 2011

So I hope you can understand me. I hope my friend who’s typing this can
understand me. You see I had a slight set-back. The first time they
operated on me, they had to go in an area near my right ear. It’s an area
that causes seizures. So now, I’m on medication to prevent seizures. It
seems I have to increase my medication because I’m starting to have
seizures again. I had one the other day. Imagine having a computer then
imagine dropping it. Imagine starting up, finding it doesn’t work properly.
This is what the brain is like right now. My brain is like a computer that’s
been dropped. But, by increasing my medication, just a little, it seems to
help. You see, before I had a full on seizure I would have a warning sign.
They would call it that I would see an aura. I would see primary colors and
shadows. My right eye would go numb. My left leg would go numb. There
would be no pain, but I knew I was about to have a seizure. Fun. Huh huh.
Never a dull moment.

Anyway, the major seizure did no damage. It’s just like a short circuit or
the brain rebooting. I am left with a slight difficulty in speaking. Like I
said before, there’s always something.

I’ve got to keep moving forward. You’ll have small set-backs, but you’ve got
to keep working. I was reminded of this when my little one came to visit.
This small child is a big influence on me getting better. I guess you could
say, she is my driving force and reason to get better. She was here for a
week and it was fun, but boy was I tired. Five and fifty don’t mix. Anyway,
it’s a good reminder as to why I’m still here.

What I’d really like to talk to you guys about is a small word called
frustration. You can’t imagine how frustrating this is. OK. I’m just gonna
have a little bitch session right now and complain. You see, my face, arms,
hands, chest, my whole body is tight. And I shake. It’s a pain in the ass.
I can feed myself, but I shake so much I end up stabbing myself with the
fork. Man, I just want a piece of bread and I can’t do it sometimes. I’m
getting skinny and my dog’s getting fat. There’s a country song for you.
My dog looks up at me, I finally figured out, what he said to me. Shake you
bastard, shake. Drop that food. Never a dull moment. I did manage to eat
my food the other day and I felt very proud of myself. It’s just a first step

in a long journey. It does get frustrating though, cause I get so hungry. Yet
I can’t get the food to my mouth. It’s good incentive. That’s for sure. We
take the little things for granted.

My neighbor stopped by the other day. She stopped by to say hi and also to
tell me a little story. She is a survivor of Traumatic Brain Injury. 15 years
ago, she was in a bad car accident. Looking at her now, you’d never know it.
She came by to remind me that I will get better one day. It won’t be the
same as before, but I’ll be better than I am now. She reminded me I have
to think about other ways of living. I’ve adapted to change many times in my
life. Major change. This will just be another example of major change. I’m
not sure where I’m going, but I’m getting there. I can feel it. I’m not sure
if this makes sense, but I do feel a major change coming. Wait, let’s review
that. Let’s see. I had a brain hemorrhage. I had seven operations. Two of
them brain surgeries. I’m divorced. My dog died in my arms. I live at home
with my parents. I can’t quite see, yet I’m a photographer. I can’t run and
I’m a runner. Change? Yeah, I guess that would be change. Yes. All of the
above is change. Now I have to adapt. Piece of cake.

Just as I was finishing up, my friends called me via Skype from Paris. How
cool is that? It was a nice distraction. Reminds me once again how I have
many great friends. I’d like to visit one day, but for now, it’s work. I’ll talk
to you guys next week. B. Nice