Chapter 37 - Valentine's Day 2012

February 14, 2012

Happy Valentine's Day everybody.  I hope you're having a good one.  My present today was to myself.  I got another from my parents.  It was an Up & Go.  Thank you again, Mom & Dad.  Medicare did not cover this, so they paid for it.  The present to myself was, I stood up.  The present from my parents was the Up & Go.  It's a remarkable machine.  It helps you stand up and walk by yourself.  It will help me get better.  A great gift.

Sometimes I wake up at night and I say, "What the Hell? I'm back at my parents!"  I feel like I've gone through a wormhole.  Let's recap what's happened to me real quick:  imagine being my parents 30 years ago.  Imagine going to highschool, going to college, getting a BFA degree, an associates degree, running across America, traveling around the world, moving to New York City, getting married, moving to South Hampton New York, moving to Australia, living there for 10 years, working a lot there. moving to Paris, working a lot there, moving back to South Hampton, NY, getting divorced, moving to New York City, working a lot there, working a lot again in Paris, moving back to New York, getting married again, building my dream house in Montauk, having a great baby, working in New York a lot, getting a traumatic brain injury, having 2 brain operations, getting divorced, and now back here my parents wonder what the hell happened.  Was it all a dream?  One hell of a dream.  And like I said before, never think too much.  I have to start over again.  But, I've done it before, I'll do it again.

I was in my medical van coming back from rehab the other day, and there was another patient in the van with me.  Poor guy, man this guy was messed up, but you know what, it could have been me!  I've had a lot of help from my parents and my friends.  I've been very fortunate.  This poor guy was not as fortunate.  He was stuck in a nursing home for 13 years.  Hardly any therapy.  Then he lived at home for 2 years with no therapy.  The point is, you gotta get better through therapy.  Time will only heal you so much.  And you also need someone to look after you.  You can't do it alone.  I've learned one of the hardest things to do is ask for help.  You shouldn't be afraid to ask for help.  I really need it now, and it's cool.  I've got a good support team.  Remember, look out for each other.

I'll recap how I feel about what I'm going through.  It's a good benchmarker.  Lately I've been really tight in my face and neck as well as my hands and feet.  It makes it very difficult to talk.  I find that it's hard for people to understand me.  I really do believe that at this stage, you know, 3 years later, it starts to become real mental.  I find myself getting slightly panicky sometimes.  I feel very claustrophobic.  I guess it's because my brain is just like it always has been.  I'm cognitively ok.  I'm just physically messed up.  You know, I can't walk properly.  I'm dizzy.  I could go on and on.  I'm messed up, but I am getting better.  It's just so damn slow.

O.K. Flashback:  My flashback brings me to the ICU, and it was weird.  I remember, I always felt like I had gloves on.  I didn't but it felt like that.  And I felt like I had plastic in my mouth.  It was weird.  When I think about what I went through, I don't think I could do it again.  I guess when the body goes through what I went through, the body kind of goes into shock.  It doesn't really register.  It's starting to register now.  I remember what I went through.  It wasn't fun.  Not a great way to spend 3 years.  I think I'd rather be on a beach in Mexico, surfing and drinking margueritas.

One last thing:  The picture above is kind of how I see now.  It's how I've been shooting lately.  I'm having a show in August.  I'll keep you posted.  Happy Valentine's Day everybody.  Let me hear from you.  Love, B. Nice