Chapter 23 – October 6, 2011

Man, I’ll tell you. Depression is a real drag. I can’t help it, but, I often get depressed.
It’s something that’s always lurking in the background it seems. Who wouldn’t be
depressed if they were like this. I just have to make a physical progress report. On the
positive note, my eyes seem to be moving together. Before, my right eye went up and
down and my left eye went side to side. They were cross-eyed as well. Not fun. A lot
for the brain to deal with. Now my eyes move up and down together. But I still see
cross-eyed. I am still very dizzy. I have a hard time feeding myself, or using the
toothbrush. But, overall, I feel a sense of clarity. I feel like I’m going to get better. My
therapist wants me to do a lot of weight bearing exercises. For example: He’ll put 2 and
a half pound weights on your wrists. It helps me because it stops the shaking. You see,
I’m not aware of where my hand is or feet. I have to look at my hand to see where it is. I
used to call my hand the meerkat, because I’d wake up at night and my hand would be up
in the air. I thought it was down by my side. It would scare the hell out of me. Imagine
getting in a fight with your own arm. Never a dull moment. Anyway, I kind of went off
on a tangent there. I was talking about depression, and yes, I get sad. But, you know,
you gotta think of positive things. For example: I’m stuck living at home with my
parents, home meaing, my childhood home. My parent’s house. But the positive of that
is that I get to hang out with them and get to know them. There’s lots of positive things.
I’ve been taking pictures of how I see the world right now. I’m having a one man show.
Anyway, I just try to think of the positive things. On a positive note, I got a new
wheelchair. It allows me to have more freedom and independence. I use my own legs to
get around. It’s good exercise and I don’t feel confined anymore. Before, I relied on
family and friends to move me from point a to point b. Now I can do it on my own.
Soon, the hands will get better and I could propel myself with my hands. Right now, it
dosen’t work. My fingers get caught in the spokes. Not a good look. I still rely on my
Mom to do all my email and my friend Julie to do all my blogs. But, my hands will get
better one day.

OK, I’ve been thinking about this for a while, whether or not to air all my dirty laundry,
but it might help someone somewhere, so I’ll do it. You see, when you have an injury
like this on your brainstem, it affects many parts of the body. For a long time before, I
would have problems with my relationships. It was difficult sometimes to be intimate
with my girlfriends at the time. I never addressed it because it happened off and on, but
it got worse as I got older. Looking back, I should have addressed the issue right away.
But I didn’t. So, my advice would be don’t be shy about any problems you have with
intimacy. Talk to your doctor about it.

OK, let’s talk about something else. Like, bunnies or kittens or sunny days. I’ll go back
to how I started. I’ll talk about the depression topic again. I used to go for a run or go
surfing. It was always some form of physical exercise to get me out of a funk. But I
can’t do that now. That is, until I discovered a thing called a new step. It’s a machine
that allows you to exercise safely. I’m going to get one of these. They are a bit pricey,
but it’s worth the investment. I wish I could go for a loooong run, but that won’t be until

Well, it’s been over 2 years since my first event. I’ve been training and fighting for 2
years, every day I do some form of therapy. I’m getting a little tired of this. I have to
remind myself to stay positive. It’s been a long journey, but there’s gotta be some thing
good that comes out of this. I really believe that out of really bad things something good
comes out of it. I have to believe that. Anyway, that’s the end of my pity party. It’s easy
to become bitter. You have to stay positive. I saw my surfing buddy the other day, and
we were talking about our old surf spot. They sent me some photos of a beautiful day we
had in the fall one year. Overhead waves, clean off shore wind. Warm breezes and cold
water. The perfect day. Good memories. Anyway, I’ll talk to you guys next week. Bye
for now. B. Nice.