Chapter 12 - June 16, 2011

So here’s my profound thought of the day: Many years ago, when I was young, I had
a summer job renting out boats. I witnessed 4 people drowning. They were swimming
from a boat. It was violence in its purest form. They were all killing themselves or
killing each other to save themselves. By the time I got to them, they were all under.
I couldn’t save anybody. They all drowned. This brings me to the current time when
you see someone drowning, sometimes you can’t help them. They may kill you as well.
They might bring you down as well. Sometimes you just have to let people drown. I
knew if I got to those guys many years ago, they would have killed me as well. Oh yeah,
ha ha. I just remembered I got divorced last week, speaking of that. Ha ha. Divorce is
like a death. It is a death, a death of a relationship. Your whole life changes. I’m just
angry at the other team. I’m upset but time is a great healer.

I went to my old stomping ground the other day. I saw my friends I surfed with. It was
a great escape. It was a little bittersweet as it was a town I used to live in when I was
married and had my daughter. I saw my old house, etc. I am glad I went, though I’m
very tired from the experience.

Overall, it’s been a tough few weeks. My body is changing. Something is changing.
I feel very tight in my face, my thoat, my chest, my hands. But I still have a positive
thought on the future. The future is wide open. I can do whatever I want. I’m starting
over again. Kind of a cool thing. But, it’s like a circus act. You have no safety net.

My friend Julie, just asked me if I was feeling my body more. If I was, I guess, more
sensitive. I don’t know the answer to that question. All I know is I’m sick of this shit. It
would be great to wake up one day and be normal.

Well, it’s back to work tomorrow. I go to therapy again. I think I said it before, but I
just wish I would get a break. Someone throw me a bone! Heh. Even hardcore training
on the track team, you get a break. I feel like I’m pushing and pushing and pushing, but
there’s never any positive outcome that I can see. Other people tell you, “Oh, I can see a
little difference.” That helps immensely.

Anyway, that’s it for now. I just also wanted to thank my mom because she drove me
out there and she helped me to the beach. She’s like a super-mom. When you’re sick
like this, a TBI victim, you really need a point person, someone to run your life because
there’s no way you could do it alone.

Anyway, back to work. I’ll talk to you guys later. Bye for now.